Adrift in my current state

I'm actually a little more than just adrift in this period of intense change & longing. i'm sans anchor in a f*cking whirlpool. my solution of trying to buy my way back to some sense of self during times like this is hit and miss at best - I've made a total of eleven purchases (26 items, largely much-needed basics and accessories tbf) since May and i won't tell you the sum of how much i've spent because *shame* prevents me from doing so. however, i did write rather cathartically about those forever entwined feelings of shame and loving fashion/style/beautiful things in my life, and came to the conclusion that I just want to let myself be... this is a process that may take a little longer than one - or even a few - unpublished blogposts to unravel and heal in fresh air.

going back to my presently unmoored state and viewing it through the easybreezy telescope of fashion: i am halfway through my second pregnancy in the middle of a not-so-summery summer, mixed in with lots of personal/family/work strife. naturally this has thrown me into an unnecessary amount of distress and chaos and identity crisis several times these past few months. in a twist of irony, i've been panic purchasing things I've always wanted from long ago and afar in order to wrap something meaningful, something nice (something me) around this expanding frame & tumultuous weather.

my first pregnancy was mostly in the winter/spring so i was able to use my existing wardrobe of lovely oversized layers to see me through the gestation and keep me sane in the process. right now though, that postpartum summer wardrobe i spent so long perfecting until it really was *chefs kiss* is utterly useless. what is at present wearable of this ‘perfect’ summer wardrobe is minimal and uninspiring. I was at a point where getting dressed every day made me so upset and lethargic that it was actually seeping into other areas of my day to day. seeing as my sense of style is clearly one of the biggest anchors for my mental wellbeing other than the God whom i serve and the wonderful people in my life whom i love, i think it only fair to allow some (ideally controlled) investment into this at this time.

but i obviously don't just want to buy lots of different things that only serve pregnant me. i want them to last beyond this and still feel like a true reflection of what i'm now realising has always been my personal style (but again, shame-based denial in the guise of anti-basic-bitch sentiment always prevented me from revelling in my pure self in this way): sleek & utilitarian in form, black white & neutral yet deeply saturated in colour palette, directional & opinionated in shape, relying heavily on accessories to bring some joy and, ultimately, a complete harmony of comfort & ease overall.

i've done my best to translate what all this might come to mean - especially for this particular stage in my life where a lot of those words above find themselves bouncing off my bigger body - into a visual thing that is currently helping me process & adapt with more grace. and hopefully less £££s spent... we'll see where the buck stops with that one: