'Marie Joséphine Charlotte du Val d'Ognes (1786-1868)', Marie Denise Villers (1801)

- - And that's really okay. 

I do not need to be her, or her, no matter how good she looks. I am me. Trying to be another would simply be a great disservice to individuality - it would be cosplaying at best, mockery to the all of us at worst. 

I also do not need to buy into trends. I don't need to 'experiment lots' in order to find my style. (Not so) deep down (this is just fashion after all), I actually know what I like and it's pretty much what I already own and wear and feel really good in... it's all quite simple if you stop distracting yourself long enough to really sit with that. Stew it. Let it seep into the marrow. I know what works for me perfectly well and I don't need to (literally) buy into the big, buzzy or exclusive designer name for the sake of it, or the new 'timeless classic' that'll still be untouched at the back of my wardrobe in less than 6 months' time.

Side note: I really miss when fashion influencers wore clothes and not brands. or trends. or one-time items of clothing. back when they just had a really good eye for their own style and they had fun doing things with pure creativity in mind. when the integrity of their unique perspective was still intact and hadn't yet turned into a means of making money off our everyday insecurities about wanting what other people who seem better off have... Am I allowed to say all that out loud these days? Oh well... I still respect and follow quite a few influencers, but there's no love lost for the 'industry' as a whole. Should influencing people to ultimately covet planet-harming material goods and keep on overconsuming even be an industry...? Fair enough if there are no brand deals and all you're doing is sharing style tips and not monetised links but... anyway, that's a mighty meaty topic for another day...

what works well for me:

- relaxed button-up shirts, preferably oversized

- midi and maxi length column/pencil skirts

- baggy, thin knit jumpers

- closefitting tops with a quirky pov

- trousers, preferably on the looser/straight cut side

- dark tones and neutral colours (excepting red & blue)

- bomber jackets and long large coats

- lots of really good accessories (leather shoes & bags, textured jewellery, interesting belts, colourful socks, silk headscarves!)

style sirens who've nearly drowned me:

- any sort of high/thin heeled or pointed toe shoe... I'm soon to be a mum of two and am now on mat leave. there's just no rhyme, reason or excuse henceforth.

- the colour green

- outerwear that serves no function or purpose beyond that which I already own

- ruffles and puffed sleeves and frilly things

- stiff or structured wide leg trousers/jeans

- cutesy floral prints

- jackets and tops with big shoulders/stiff arms

Just remember love, you do not need to add more to your wardrobe by any means. You do not need that  one thing or that next thing. You know it only leads to nowhere that really satisfies. Get off that hedonistic treadmill and stop feeding the harmful capitalist machine with your blood sweat and money. I'll report back later on how I'm doing with that myself...

'Crouching Nude in Shoes and Black Stockings, Back View', Egon Schiele (1912)

 - - spring of my eternal weakness, light at the depths of my wardrobe, pin in my unthrown grenade of bombastic style. O how I love thee, good pair of shoes. this summer (I’m ashamed even to use the word in context of the floods of rain we’ve seen more frequently than actual rays of sunshine) has been a total washou. this has seen me abandon hope in my sandals altogether and begin craving a closed toe ‘light’ weather shoe that can be worn come rain or shine, but makes sense in a spring ‘summer’ seasonal setting. here are the tunes my toes have been tapping enthusiastically to lately…

boat shoes; soft leather; chanel flats ?!; snakeskin (still this texture plagues me!!); leather mules; silver & offwhite; onitsukas!

'Lions in a Mountainous Landscape', Théodore Gericault (ca. 1818-20)

 - - im returning to the roots of this blog and attempting to cast into oblivion all the things my fingers have been itching to hit ‘pay with klarna’ on lately… 

we’ll start with those outlandish-for-me cravings that have sat like a feral animal with eyes half closed pretending to be sleeping at the back of my mind. Lord knows where they came from but they’ve made this place their nest and they just don’t want to budge for some reason not yet known to even the most inquisitive of zoologists. snakeskin shoes?! bright red shirts??? what creature is this? fear not, explorers, we quickly move along to more commonly known species shortly thereafter… let’s see how many of these get to make their home in my closet instead of my lustful heart (the hope is none of them will, but i am weak and it’s payday. pray for me.)

a cream snakeskin maryjane tie shoe from aeyde, low-heeled
i'm envisioning this with my newly acquired grey or offwhite raey dad jeans and literally any top i own (or don't yet own... think of it with the red or brown shirt listed below?!). or perhaps i'd pair this tasty morsel with one of my many black/navy dresses of any length.
it's hard for me to justify this one though, because i saw the silver version i'd been pining after for months in person and they just didn't hit the same way... the shape was too old woman-y, even my mum thought so. but snakeskin brings something modern to it, right? doesn't it...?

a red vintage linen shirt, oversized
this one is peak influencer marketing in action here. i have literally never regarded a red shirt with more than a passing 'hm, that looks nice' before; now all of a sudden i'm seeing it on my pinterest feed, sported by all my favourite celebs/influencers (zoe kravitz, brittany bathgate, monikh dale) and touted in all my favourite publications (whowhatwear, vogue, harper's) over and over and over again... quite a haunting really. so do i give in? it's only £15 and it's been in stock and therefore on and off my wishlist for months...
i'd wear mostly with navy, light blue, khaki, creams/offwhites and grey. surprisingly it goes with all bar one of my skirts (the brown one with this would just give robin redbreast vibes to me but hey i'm open to being proved wrong); i'd also be open to black pairings but it'd have to have some sort of funky texture/shape to really do it (i'm thinking my crochet style flares or my silk skirt or my wideleg highwaist trousers...)

a chocolate brown vintage silk shirt, loose if not oversized
kind of similar to the above in terms of having seen it on a few influencers here and there, although i think that's more just confirmation bias at this point because i do have a small thing for beautiful flowy silk shirts, and the colour brown has been reigning supreme in my heart for the past couple of years. this one has a subtle diamond pattern. not as cheap as the red shirt but still on sale and from the same shop... maybe i could save on shipping if i--

some lovely vintage silk scarves, including a blue floral & brown trimmed ysl piece
i've decided to own up to the fact already that i am a collector of silk scarves. i have about six or seven that i wear on heavy rotation (yellow/light blue, red/navy/cream, midnight blue with bright primary colours, a pink/red/black against khaki number, burgundy and offwhite, grey/black leopard with a turquoise trim) but i always find myself wishing i had a few more colours/styles: a black/dark one with white detailing, a brown one, something predominantly cream, a light floral one... these all add up though - perhaps i'll stave off buying all at once and let serendipity dictate which comes to me next and when

vintage lightweight bomber jackets, oversized and in navy & off white/cream
another collector's item for me, i already have a couple and have deprioritised getting these colours for a while. i attempted to get a vintage silk navy one recently but the demonic entity that is evri decided that wasn't going to happen for me this time. next time, perhaps soon perhaps not, i will be requesting royal mail's assistance to the etsy buyers' garments i've got on my favourites list.

a handful of natural stone necklaces on etsy, also vintage
another completely unnecessary & neither-here-nor-there fancy i've been flirting with for some time thanks to my faves dale and bathgate. everytime i see them with some beautiful organic piece about their necks i run flying to check the ones i've favourited on etsy are still there. phew. yes. but not cheap...  this will probably be another sacrifice to serendipity i think.

a vintage gold wristwatch 
this has been on my 'wishlist' for a year or so but i'm in no rush to purchase as things like these abound. i'd much rather perfer the charm of picking one up for £20 after a friendly haggle and a day excitedly trawling through some quaint but reasonable antique market or shop in the cotswolds or notting hill. i would very much not like to pay double or more online for one.

some belly balm from neal’s yard and a very summery, fruity malin + goetz perfume
not frivolous fashion items (for once!) but still cravings that i don't necssarily need... given my current skincare staples are branded 'vaseline' and 'sanex' and 'simple' (ok ok I also have a couple of face bits á la roche posay and rituals) i would like to treat my body to something a bit nicer especially during this season of extreme growth.

 I'm actually a little more than just adrift in this period of intense change & longing. i'm sans anchor in a f*cking whirlpool. my solution of trying to buy my way back to some sense of self during times like this is hit and miss at best - I've made a total of eleven purchases (26 items, largely much-needed basics and accessories tbf) since May and i won't tell you the sum of how much i've spent because *shame* prevents me from doing so. however, i did write rather cathartically about those forever entwined feelings of shame and loving fashion/style/beautiful things in my life, and came to the conclusion that I just want to let myself be... this is a process that may take a little longer than one - or even a few - unpublished blogposts to unravel and heal in fresh air.

going back to my presently unmoored state and viewing it through the easybreezy telescope of fashion: i am halfway through my second pregnancy in the middle of a not-so-summery summer, mixed in with lots of personal/family/work strife. naturally this has thrown me into an unnecessary amount of distress and chaos and identity crisis several times these past few months. in a twist of irony, i've been panic purchasing things I've always wanted from long ago and afar in order to wrap something meaningful, something nice (something me) around this expanding frame & tumultuous weather. 

my first pregnancy was mostly in the winter/spring so i was able to use my existing wardrobe of lovely oversized layers to see me through the gestation and keep me sane in the process. right now though, that postpartum summer wardrobe i spent so long perfecting until it really was *chefs kiss* is utterly useless. what is at present wearable of this ‘perfect’ summer wardrobe is minimal and uninspiring. I was at a point where getting dressed every day made me so upset and lethargic that it was actually seeping into other areas of my day to day.  seeing as my sense of style is clearly one of the biggest anchors for my mental wellbeing other than the God whom i serve and the wonderful people in my life whom i love, i think it only fair to allow some (ideally controlled) investment into this at this time.

but i obviously don't just want to buy lots of different things that only serve pregnant me. i want them to last beyond this and still feel like a true reflection of what i'm now realising has always been my personal style (but again, shame-based denial in the guise of anti-basic-bitch sentiment always prevented me from revelling in my pure self in this way): sleek & utilitarian in form, black white & neutral yet deeply saturated in colour palette, directional & opinionated in shape, relying heavily on accessories to bring some joy and, ultimately, a complete harmony of comfort & ease overall. 

i've done my best to translate what all this might come to mean - especially for this particular stage in my life where a lot of those words above find themselves bouncing off my bigger body - into a visual thing that is currently helping me process & adapt with more grace. and hopefully less £££s spent... we'll see where the buck stops with that one:

a pregnant summer mood '24 - black, (off)white & airy

'Repose', John White Alexander (1895)

-- 

whimsical & soft pyjamas 

sturdy, weather-appropriate shoes & outerwear 

simple, beautiful jewellery 

clean and healthy hair, skin & nails 

comfort & warmth 

the ability to take your time 

self-assuredness 

humility 

matching delicates 

well-fitting clothes & shoes 

something between slim & loose 

high-quality fabrics 

a well-worn & well cared-for wardrobe 

an honestly designed & deeply personal home 

knowledge of one's ancestry, those who laid the foundations 

being well-spoken & speaking well with good intention 

not sweating the small stuff 

the liberty of choice & knowing how to choose well 

'The Repast of the Lion', Henri Rousseau (ca. 1907)

   -- "OH IT'S VINTAGE CHANEL," she shouts into you completely innocently, trying to overrule the heady bass of the club with her voice. so she saw you sizing up those infamous double Cs then. you couldn't really make her out - her roar was a whisper in this thumping cavernous place where no one can truly be heard for all the noise - but you know exactly what she said. it's actually a really bloody nice dress, which makes you more annoyed. you're totally green and that's only in part the pulsing lasers, so you just smile and keep dancing like you didn't hear a thing. oh you petty little b tch.

That's my take on the whole 'quiet luxury' thing. it lost its appeal the moment it opened its mouth, and it kind of taints everyone that attempts to partake in this watery mess of a trend (in my lofty and irrelevant opinion, but also hi, colour me guilty). it's almost like proponents of the term forgot what the word quiet ever meant..like as soon as you attempt to explain the mysteries of class and affluence, any semblance of affinity or power you thought you held in that realm vanishes. ooo but maybe that's exactly what they wanted all along: power to the People? sociopolitically subversive fashion gurlies, that i can get behind.

but aside from those very rare gems, are the rest of us, in our haste to greedily consume this latest fad, the eternally feeding lion up above? or are we really the unidentifiable bloody mass that will forever dangle limp from its mouth.

'The Musicians', Caravaggio (Michelangelo Merisi) (1597)

   -- why i've been craving it  i have a vast collection of shirts and even a couple of white ones i'll admit, but not one that quite gives me the volume and shape i've been wanting to wear with my straight leg or tapered trousers, or with my mini and midi skirts. crisp is a word that comes to mind, one which i've been wanting to feel whenever i reach into my wardrobe but i'm yet to pull out in the form of this specific type of white shirt

what exactly i've been craving  oversized, feels like it'd swamp me if it wasn't for the more structured fabric - cotton poplin - so more like a light tent that might blow away if not pinned down or tucked in, i want the shirt to literally hold its own, unlike the two white shirts i currently own; optical white, not off white; a curved or interesting hemline, regular sized and not too stiff collars - i hate big intrusive collars that won't stay away from my jawline whenever i shrug or turn my head

ways in which i'd wear this white shirt  with everything technically. as i say, i've got a good many casual shirts in my collection and they all pair best with my jeans and casual trousers/skirts but what i really want this for is to add to my work uniform. i don't actually have a dedicated work-appropriate white cotton poplin shirt and i'd like that gap closed. it's not urgent. nothing in fashion ever is obviously, but i will continue to hunt for one preferably second hand that can do stuff like this but on my own body:

'The Dream of the Shepherd' ('Der Traum des Hirten'), Ferdinand Hodler (1896)

   -- I'm back. No, not with a vengance but with a bashful "uh, hi" - uttered in the kind of way your wayward older brother would upon returning home from an unplanned five year 'break' from a very prestigious university degree to which he never intends to return after having found 'spirituality' abroad... why yes, i have been watching far too many 90s and 00s rom coms/dramas in my long 3-ish year absence. your point?

a lot has shifted since my last post here. I became a mother to the most wondrous, beautiful little boy. I also got made redundant, launched and let peter out into nothingness an online vintage store, got a more stable job in the civil service, and had several existential crises along the way because a lot of things i'd come to know about myself were coming undone all at once.

in a moment of candidness: i really did lose a grip on reality through the tumult and massive upheaval of life as i then knew it. Dear Reader, do not underestimate just how much a dramatic change in circumstance can alter your dress sense, your tastes, how you consume content and the pace at which you purchase products even. let's just say i was doing the most on youtube and my burner insta account where i fastidiously follow all my fave fashion gurlies, all while propping up beyond retro, vestiaire, ebay etsy depop and a few luxury resale sites with my terrible online shopping habits (this week's video is sponsored by klarna... i hate you klarna).

you get the picture: i've had a bad couple of years of out of control spending in order to regain a sense of self and control and enjoy what i wear again at a time when my body size and shape went through a period of flux. ironic. was it all worth it? probably not. fashion rarely is worth spending lots of £££s on even if it's over a course of years or on things you'll ultimately 'love now and wear forever' (oh myyyy how i hate hearing the fashion gurlies whack that phrase out when they're trying to convince you to buy something you really dont need). but if you've got the disposable dolla and you're as emotionally invested in looking/feeling sick af as you are financially, then sure why not i guess...... 

i've made many many MANY purchases ive regretted, i've become far more easy to influence than ever before (i confess Monikh Dale and Brittany Bathgate have me on a leash and i will follow them to the ends of the earth tbh, i stand by that), but i've also got a wardrobe that aligns with who i feel i am at this moment in time, and will probably be for a long time still. simply put: it makes me feel so f cking good when i put together an outfit thats pure fireemoji in my eyes (see a few crudely collaged egs below). 

i've enjoyed the thrill of thrifting, the hunt for the hard to find piece in the outfit puzzle that'll make about 20 different things in my wardrobe instantly less difficult to style every day... i could go on about this, but i think what i want to say on my return to this blog, is that i'm really ready to stop spending now. it's just bloody exhausting watching myself on that hamster wheel of consumerism and not knowing how to get off it for good before it goes somewhere i really don't want it to. 

i'm back here to observe and to commentate. the difference now is that i'm not here to encourage spending. i won't be linking anything (its not like i get a commission anyway) - in fact, you can think of this blog henceforth as simply a moodboard or an unpolished repository of my thoughts on style, like it was originally meant to be. 

I hope you enjoy all that is to come, i know i certainly will xo